Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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