Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
