dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
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