Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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