I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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