Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
