So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
