I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
