You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
