i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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