There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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