Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
