Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
