someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
