There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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