if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He called his prostate his "boner button".
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
