How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
