So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
