are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
