I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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