woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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