Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
