Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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