my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
