I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
