I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
They are going to name an STD after you.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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