I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
