I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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