i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wish i was in the wii world.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
