Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
