He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
