ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
