True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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