His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Randomize
