lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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