glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
