We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
