oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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