I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
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