Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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