just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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