Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
