You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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