The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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