haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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