Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
