Tell her she can't have a vagina
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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