Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
