Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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