I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
