I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
