im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
