there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
